Society, cartoons, stories and the mind are the ones that keep us from accepting and using the superpowers we were born to season the world with. Our music will only be heard when we are quiet enough to hear the silence, the sound in between the notes, the sound in between the pain. Yet, how can we S.H.I.F.T. if all the issues that affect us are people we can’t control? The in laws meddle and choose favorites, the exes and bio parents are high conflict, the step children are ungrateful and hate me, and to top it off my spouse doesn’t speak up and make them behave. Feeling lonely was a normal feeling I had and didn’t know how to get out of it.
I know you are tired. I know you’ve thought or even said a time or three that you are ready to call it quits. The exhaustive arguments and issues that the children hear even when you don’t want to make or cause a scene. Living in turmoil for so long made me resent my husband, hate being in the home when my step child was there and caused me to have physical ailments like cold sores, migraines and severe back aches. I didn’t feel appreciated in my home even with my own children because the guilt lingered. All of those emotions led me to believe that my life was out of control, that there was no way I would go through so much turmoil in a marriage with kids AGAIN.
All I knew how to do was to use what I kept hearing to show my family that I wasn’t weak and would be respected in my home. I kept score, I measured things, “you didn’t do this, I won’t do that. All of the kids need to have the same thing. The kids will do what we tell them without question” I was becoming more competitive at work and was struggling with the people that worked for me. I believed that everyone in the home needed to be treated equally, that discipline was what created great adults. I was wrong, all that counting, anger, resentment, stories I kept hearing on tv, in movies and from other stepfamilies made me emotionally and physically sick.
Every time I would go to therapy all of my issues were being rehashed, rehearsed and reversed for the majority of the sessions. Even though I didn’t want to feel the pain, I continued going for the moment of release with someone who was not in the picture, in my hell. I found that even though it felt better or looked hopeful for a while with their words of encouragement I always went back in to the situation with the same beliefs. What was wrong with me? I questioned my intelligence, my being, my personality, the meaning of life. Surely, my ego thought, leading a school, having a masters degree and being with 3 different baby daddies have opened up my knowledge of how to live in peace.
I started searching for answers but never found what gave me peace until I had an epiphany. The S.H.I.F.T ONLY came when I embraced what I needed to learn from the insanity I was living in. I needed to make it. I realized that the more I wanted to run away from the pain the more I realized that I was always there with the same beliefs. The S.H.I.F.T. I accepted for myself was to USE what was happening for my good. I had done the same thing with no positive results, I knew I had to change the way I believed… Savor. Hell.Intentionally. For. Triumph.
I realized that I work out, walk and move, for the endorphins, the feeling I get after the pain of a workout. I started pushing into the Hell. I felt so that I could ask where was the feeling coming from? Rather than asking WHY it was there, I asked it WHAT was I supposed to learn about the painful feeling. When we get a headache we take an elixir to relieve the pain. Rather than grabbing the pills to stop it, ask WHAT did I eat, drink, do that made me get a headache. Savoring the pain for a moment allows us to draw closer to the source of the pain so we can deal with it better. I chose to treat or SAVOR the situation, the feeling, INTENTIONALLY so that I can become TRIUMPHANT more quickly each time. I had to go within, ask my heart, what the root of the feeling was so that I could look at my WHOLE family with unconditional and nonjudgmental love.
My HELL was created by my own interpretation of what I expected from my step daughter, my spouse, the exes and the in laws. I realized that I had to love myself believing that I was not an evil stepmother, that others were NOT out to get me or ruin my new marriage, but that I was worth having sustainable peace, joy, love during the pain. Any feelings that still pop up, are my gauge as to find what I am needing to process and understand about myself. I realized I was trying to be everything for everyone, except myself. There is a great quote by Cooley, “I’m not what I think I am, I’m not what you think I am, I ‘m what I think you think I am?” All of that anger and anxiety came from thinking of what others wanted me to be. I continue to this day to ask myself when I am not feeling ok and focus on my own personal development. This has helped my marriage, my children, those trying to control my home, but most importantly myself to S.H.I.F.T. into the step parent, biological mom, wife, and self I was created to be. Choosing to look within for the answers will yield a higher return of sustainability.
If you are ready to be at peace regardless of what situation is going on around you don’t hesitate to book a break through session at BREAK THROUGH SESSION or send me a private message.
Yamile McBride is the author of Loud, Large, Latina Fina where she writes about her vulnerabilities being her superpowers and the only kryptonite we have is The Mind. To order the book click on the link Loud, Large, Latina Fina